1 00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:03,600 (THEME SONG PLAYING) 2 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:49,600 CAMPION: Mystery Mile, a remote village on the east coast of England. 3 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,960 Cut off by the sea at high tide. 4 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,640 ...my cards. 5 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,160 Just the place to hide Judge Crowdy Lobbett 6 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:03,440 from the murderous attentions of the Simister gang, or so I thought. 7 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,520 But already a visit from the fortune-teller Anthony Datchett 8 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,880 seems to have led to the mysterious death of the Reverend Swithin Cush. 9 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:16,840 And now Judge Lobbett himself has disappeared into thin air. 10 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,680 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 11 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,080 George is here, miss. 12 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,680 Anything for the post, Miss Biddy? 13 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,560 These letters. Thank you, George. 14 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,680 Would you be kind and write out a label for me? 15 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,000 -Now, the old Parson's gone. -Of course. 16 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,280 It's for me son-in-law, Reg Hatton. 17 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,000 -Two T's? -That's right. 18 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,400 The Beck Garage, Canvey Island. 19 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,320 BIDDY: Essex. 20 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,280 Thank you kindly, Miss Biddy. 21 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,560 Sorry to bother you. 22 00:01:58,520 --> 00:01:59,840 (DOOR CLOSES) 23 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,520 Wreathing and writhing and fainting in coils. 24 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:04,960 Hardly any of them can write. 25 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,040 Why don't you do something, Albert? 26 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,080 Well, like finding the Judge. 27 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,160 All you do is sit around making asinine remarks and smirking 28 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,520 and telling the Lobbetts not to call the police, 29 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,120 when it's clear they're both ill with worry. 30 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,080 I used to be pretty fond of you. 31 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,880 But now I think you're just cold and horrible and callous. 32 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,440 -Rough stuff. -How dare you? 33 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,680 34 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,680 35 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:46,360 and he's coming out today 36 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,240 We're up in the sky 37 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:17,840 we'll... 38 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,920 -It's good to see you, man. -Filthy things, trains. 39 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,120 As for that one, should be in a museum. 40 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,280 Been wandering round the country like it was lost. 41 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,760 -Will a drop of the local brew cheer you up? -That all depends, dunnit? 42 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,560 -Find that Yankee Judge you've gone and lost? -No. 43 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,160 Not too clever that, is it? For a professional. 44 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,760 Yours is not to reason why, Lugg. 45 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,840 As long as I don't have to do or die. 46 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:44,840 -I got your clean clobber like you asked me. -Thanks. 47 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,040 -How far is this Mystery place you're at? -Oh, 20 miles or so. 48 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,440 -Twenty miles. Do the locals still wear wool? -Just about. 49 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,600 You're not going to make me go there, are you? 50 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:55,840 No. 51 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,560 A messenger boy, that's all I am. 52 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,640 Left in Bottle Street, like a discarded toy. 53 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:09,920 (CASH REGISTER DINGS) 54 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:16,560 Not bad. A bit thin. Expect they water it in this sort of place. 55 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,320 What's the news from your end? Did you speak to Oates? 56 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,920 The Chief Detective Inspector begged me to inform you 57 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,360 that Datchett is a con and blackmailer. 58 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,520 Sometimes he sports a red beaver, 59 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,560 other times his chin's as bare as a baby's bum. 60 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,200 Once upon a time he worked the oars, legitimate. 61 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,200 Have I got time for another? 62 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,560 Anything on Mr Barber? 63 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,680 I spoke to your poncey mate. 64 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,160 Him what pawns. Something to eat, no more. 65 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:54,640 He says this Barber bloke's rolling in it. He's got harems all over the place. 66 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,320 -He says he's an art expert. -That's right. 67 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,400 The bloke did say he was connoisseur of art. 68 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,800 Perhaps women don't satisfy his every passion and desire. 69 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:06,760 The Simister gang? 70 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,600 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 71 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,360 Look. I've come to warn you. 72 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:28,440 You are ignorant compared with me, you don't know. 73 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,280 They're a nasty lot. Leave them alone. 74 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,000 Your own mother couldn't give you better advice. 75 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,360 (TRAIN WHISTLING) 76 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:38,520 -There's me train. -Tell me if you know anything. 77 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,480 Down the club, they say there's a noticeable absence of the really nasty customers. 78 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,400 Ikey Todd and that lot. 79 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,640 -I did hear Ropey's back in the country. -Ropey? 80 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,280 It is an infamy that such a bloke should exist at the peak. You know him. 81 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,440 Hmm. 82 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,680 What do you suggest? 83 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,080 Well, in my opinion, sir, though you won't take it, I'm sure, 84 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,880 I'd apply to Thomas Knapp. 85 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,480 I'm hanged if I will. I do not associate with Mr Thomas Knapp. 86 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:08,000 What did I tell you? It's too late now. 87 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,680 We best go separate, just in case. 88 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:22,600 I shall wear the black band round me head for you and the funeral card'll cost a bit. 89 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,440 Thanks for the drink. 90 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,960 Here. Don't forget your clobber. 91 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,760 Thank God you're back, Albert. They found the Judge's clothes. 92 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,680 -Who are "they"? -Kettle's daughter actually. 93 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,000 And where did Miss Kettle make this interesting discovery? 94 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,680 Saddleback Creek. 95 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,200 Albert. 96 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,880 Do try to be a little less... 97 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:58,880 Clinical. 98 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,560 -Definitely Dad's suit. -Soaked in sea water and torn. 99 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,800 -That's blood, isn't it? -Possibly. 100 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:15,280 -Nothing in the pockets? -No, nothing at all. 101 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,880 All the pockets were pulled inside-out. 102 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,480 KETTLE: I'm wanted in there! Show me in immediately! 103 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,960 CUDDY: I'll do no such thing. 104 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,600 They're a bereaved family. They don't want to see you. 105 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,040 -I'll go and send him away. -Uh, no. 106 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,880 If you don't mind, I think it might be a good idea 107 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,440 if we interviewed old Clever Science ourselves. 108 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:32,800 Certainly. 109 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,800 Come in, Mr Kettle. 110 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,880 Thank you, Cuddy. 111 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,640 I saw the car turn in the drive, Mr Campion, 112 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:47,440 so I've run straight over knowing you'll be wanting the truth. 113 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:52,240 It was my daughter who's found the remains, as you might say. 114 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,560 Is your daughter here? 115 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,680 Oh, no, sir. You can imagine the condition she's in. 116 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,040 The shock and the horror of it. 117 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,560 And I may mention, though I have offered myself, 118 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:07,080 no one has as yet sent for the police. 119 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,800 It'll look very suspicious when they do come. 120 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:15,920 Even though you're the son of the dead man, sir, it will look nasty. 121 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,920 -What dead man? Have you got the body? -Me, sir? Oh, no, sir. 122 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:26,920 No, when we find that, then I dare say we'll know who killed him. 123 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,840 -And how was he killed? -With a dagger, sir. 124 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,120 How do you know that? 125 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,400 Well, it's a question of deduction, isn't it, sir? 126 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,080 Look at this jacket hole, right over the heart. 127 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,800 See these stains? 128 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,720 If you don't know what that is, I can tell you. It's blood. 129 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,760 Heart's blood. The victim was stabbed to death 130 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,600 with a knife. 131 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,200 And look at these clothes. Sopping wet. Now, what does that show? 132 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,680 -That they've been in water. -Ah, exactly. You've hit it in one. 133 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:58,360 Mr Lobbett was taken out to sea in a boat, stabbed through the heart, 134 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,600 and thrown in the water. 135 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,320 Where he undressed, being careful to remove his braces, yes. 136 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:05,760 So far I think that's perfectly clear. 137 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,560 But there are one or two little matters to be explained 138 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,280 before we call in Scotland Yard. 139 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,840 First, the knife thrust. A rather curious incision, don't you think? 140 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,400 A little hole nicked with a pair of scissors 141 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,320 and then made larger with a table knife. 142 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,800 And the blood stains. The poor man seems to have bled from outside his clothes. 143 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,160 The inside, you see, is quite clean. 144 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,840 I wonder if anyone's killed a chicken lately. 145 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:32,480 There's something fishy about this. A whole load of fishiness you might say. 146 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,200 Someone's been playing the fool with you, Mr Kettle, 147 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,200 I should go back to your post office if I were you. 148 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,000 I'm sorry about that. But I had to find out how much Sherlock knew. 149 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,560 -What do you make of these? -Whole thing's an extraordinary bad fake. 150 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,040 Amateur stuff. Definitely not your father's New York friends. 151 00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,840 Probably local talent. 152 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,200 But that was the suit Dad was wearing. 153 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,240 That's the only thing that makes it interesting. 154 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,280 Look, it's getting late now. But first thing in the morning, 155 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,080 I think I'd better do some sleuthing of my own around the place. 156 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,680 You haven't seen Biddy anywhere, have you? 157 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,960 -No. -We arranged to meet in... 158 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,360 To go for a walk together. 159 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,680 She was gonna show me Saddleback Creek. 160 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,400 -But I can't find her anywhere. -Really? 161 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,560 -You haven't seen Miss Biddy, have you, sir? -No. 162 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,600 -(CLOCK CHIMING) -Why? 163 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:33,640 Well, Miss Biddy said she'll go down the shop and get me some baking powder. 164 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,760 Well, that was more than an hour ago and I've got the oven hot. 165 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,800 Yes, all right, Cuddy. 166 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,080 I think I've been rather stupid. Come on, Marlowe. 167 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,720 You don't think anything's happened to Biddy, do you? 168 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,160 -Yes. -If it has, I'll commit murder. 169 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,600 That's the spirit. 170 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:46,920 (BELL DINGING) 171 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,040 What can I do for you gentlemen? 172 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,080 Um, did Miss Pagett leave her purse here, Mr Kettle? 173 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,880 (STUTTERS) No, no. She left nothing, sir. 174 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,200 Fine. Now we know where we are. 175 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,760 Is she still in the house? 176 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:16,120 Oh, don't be a fool, man. All we have to do is turn you over to the police. 177 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:17,440 Where is she? 178 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,880 How dare you come here threatening me, accusing me! 179 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,960 You call the police, sir. You call the police. I shall have something to tell them. 180 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,360 Where is Mr Lobbett? 181 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,640 Why don't you show them clothes to the police? 182 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,000 Because you daren't, that's why! 183 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,760 -Look, I'm not having this, sir. -Shut the door. 184 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,320 It's a pity the window won't open, 185 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,640 you could've gotten rid of the smell of chloroform. 186 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:52,480 If she's been hurt, I'll break my rule and kill you. 187 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,400 Now, Mr Kettle, the story so far. 188 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,000 You make a mess of faking the Judge's clothes. 189 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,880 That not only sets us buzzing around your head, but your own dirty employers. 190 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,960 They order you to kidnap the first of us that comes in here. 191 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,080 You apply the chloroform... 192 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,280 Innocent sort of delivery van waiting outside. 193 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,320 Where have they taken her? 194 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,360 If they find out you know all this, they'll kill me. Don't let them know. 195 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,040 Where? Where? 196 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,000 I don't know! Honest I don't! I never seen the men before. 197 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,320 I had to do as they said. 198 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,000 I wouldn't have done it if I could've helped. 199 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,160 I believe him. 200 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,240 The nastiest thing we can do now is leave him to his pals. 201 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,560 Are you all right, sir? 202 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,080 Well, if it isn't Albert himself. 203 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,960 May I introduce you to Mr Thomas Knapp. Mr Lobbett. 204 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:13,800 But I thought that... Oh, it was your dad worked on the punk. 205 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,400 -Pleased to meet you, sir. -How do you do? 206 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,840 What I've been through to get here. 207 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,840 I had to pinch this thing in Colchester or I'd never have got here at all. 208 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,360 How did you know I was here? It was Lugg, wasn't it? 209 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:30,760 Shall we say that me and Magers have interests in common. 210 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,040 Your interests. 211 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,320 I happened to overhear something about you and this Lobbett business. 212 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,080 -What? -Confidential. 213 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,960 -Interested? -I might be. 214 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,760 What did I tell you? Me and Albert have worked together in the past. 215 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,760 We're in the same star. We understand one another. 216 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,760 -Well, what is it? -Oh, that's not like you, sir. 217 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,120 Ain't I gonna get offered any refreshment? 218 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,640 All the way from Colchester on this thing. 219 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,640 That's much better. 220 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,440 Yesterday afternoon I happened to overhear a very curious conversation 221 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,440 on one of my new lines. 222 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,840 I should explain. Mr Knapp used to work for government on telephone repairs. 223 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,160 Then he and the postmaster general had a slight misunderstanding, 224 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,000 and he retired from public life for a few years. 225 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,320 Since then I've been on me own. 226 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,000 Using my electrical knowledge to my own advantage. 227 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,520 If you know the way, it's easy to listen on the line. 228 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,800 You'd be surprised the things I pick up. 229 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,720 Filth in high places, you wouldn't believe it. 230 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,200 Yesterday... 231 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,360 There was these two blokes talking. 232 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,840 One said, "Who sent the clothes?" 233 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:57,160 And the other said, "There was no message, only the handwriting on the label". 234 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,040 "Ooh", says the other. "That's who you want". 235 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,080 Didn't mean nothing to me till the first bloke says, 236 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,720 "Who's this Albert Campion, when he's at home?" 237 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,960 And the other says, "I'll find out about him". 238 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,240 Then the first bloke says, 239 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:17,880 "If it was the girl, get her up here and we'll put her through it". 240 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,720 Sounds as though one of your ladies might get into trouble. 241 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,760 -Miss Pagett has already disappeared. -Oh. 242 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,120 How much? 243 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,840 I'll make you a gentlemanly offer, 244 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,720 what I wouldn't if I didn't know you. 245 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,720 Oh, come on now, Thomas. Cut the cackle. 246 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,720 It's no use to us unless you know where they were speaking from. 247 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,000 But I do. 248 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:48,480 Twenty-five quid for the address and another 25 when we get the girl back. 249 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,640 Now, I can't say fairer than that. 250 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,160 You're on. 251 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:58,200 32 Beverly Gardens, Notting Hill Gate, Kensington. 252 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,600 -You got a scrap of paper on you? -Hmm. 253 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,320 I heard the butchers, they're there, all right. 254 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,360 Two heavies on guard outside. 255 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:14,200 Now, the house where I hang out with my old mum 256 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:19,000 backs on to Beverly Gardens. You could make it your headquarters. 257 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:24,520 We could nip across them roads as easy as kiss your arse. 258 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:29,080 -Who's the boss? -Calls himself Datchett. 259 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:33,600 You know, as far as intelligence is concerned, Thomas, you're coming on. 260 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,640 It's the picture man back. He's the limit. 261 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,840 Sir Giles, may I be the first to congratulate you. 262 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:19,200 Proof. Proof positive your Romney is genuine. 263 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,320 I should like to arrange for the sale with you. Let us talk to Judge Lobbett. 264 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,960 -He's not here. -Still not back? 265 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,720 -He's disappeared. -Oh, you're joking, Sir Giles. 266 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,680 My father's blood-stained clothes were found yesterday. 267 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,680 -But this is terrible. -I'm sorry, Mr Barber. 268 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,600 This is terrible. I thought he was just away. 269 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,840 My commission, all the work I have done. 270 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,440 Just send me your account. 271 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,080 Thank you. If I can be of any help. 272 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,280 (DOOR CLOSES) 273 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,120 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 274 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,960 Ah, my friend, I... 275 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,120 Giles. 276 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,880 Biddy's been kidnapped, taken to London. We think we know where she is. 277 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,640 We've got to get there quickly, all of us, 278 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,200 without the whole village finding out. 279 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,720 -But, Isopel? -She'll be safe in my flat. 280 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,480 Mr Barber, we'd be eternally grateful if you could give three of us a lift to London. 281 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,640 A pleasure! I'm an excellent driver. 282 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:29,560 And if you can persuade Sir Giles to let me handle the sale of his picture, 283 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:33,080 -the gratitude would be entirely mine. -Thank you, Mr Barber. 284 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,840 (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) 285 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,520 If you get hungry just shout down the lift. 286 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,560 If you get scared, just shout at the policemen out of the window. 287 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:39,480 (DOOR CLOSES) 288 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,320 And if anyone calls, don't, whatever you do, open the door. 289 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,520 Especially not if it's an old gentleman with an aerial to this top hat, 290 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,960 and natty black gators. That's my wicked uncle. 291 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,200 (CHUCKLING) 292 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:57,240 Oh. You won't let Giles do anything silly, or Marlowe either. 293 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,600 -You will look after them? -As if they were my sons, madam. 294 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:05,160 Both young gentlemen will be under the direct care of matron. 295 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,920 You see, you don't know how worrying it is to be in love. 296 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,040 That's all you know, young woman. 297 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,720 KNAPP: Make room on the bed for Mr Barber, Mum. 298 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,280 -(BABY CRYING) -He don't look too happy in the corner there. 299 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:38,560 (WHISTLES) 300 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,240 Think you're clever, don't you? 301 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:50,000 Just when you're going into a really nasty business, who do you get around you? 302 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,840 Two ready amateurs and something out of a carpet shop. 303 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,040 Gold. 304 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,640 Oi, Thomas. 305 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:03,920 Don't lean against that wall, it's me who looks after your clothes, remember. 306 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,920 -Did Mr Barber come willingly? -Bit of gentle persuasion you might say. 307 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,880 He knew too much. Besides, we might need his car. 308 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:15,520 Mother will keep him quiet. She's as good as a bull pup. 309 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,760 Up here. 310 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,160 All given to me by the government 311 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,240 in unconscious recognition of my services. 312 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,600 Over here, Albert. 313 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,880 That's 32 Beverly Gardens. The one with the new chimney. 314 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,160 KNAPP: Just to the right of the big green skylight. 315 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,200 Just stay with me, deary. 316 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,280 KNAPP: ...rubber shoes all round. 317 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,560 It's no good till it's dark anyway. 318 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,160 (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 319 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,040 I'll buy for a thruppence. 320 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,200 I'll see ya. 321 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,160 (SIGHS) 322 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:24,360 Look, Mother, argue as much as you like, five queens is five queens. 323 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,360 -Are you accusing me of cheating? -All right. 324 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:32,280 If these gentlemen will accept the fact that packs may have got mixed up a bit. 325 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,600 -Time we went. -Right, gentlemen. 326 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:48,160 Well, so delighted to have been of service. 327 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,840 MAN: (ON RADIO) The weather forecast and news summary 328 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,080 will follow at once. 329 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,680 Here. A nice drop of rum. 330 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,880 Don't breathe a word, no one. If I whistle, drop. 331 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,960 -Just on the other side of that big skylight. -All right. 332 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,080 (BABY CRYING FAINTLY) 333 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,560 London telephone service, madam. 334 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,480 Breakdown gang. 335 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,320 Tracing a fault. 336 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:08,560 MAN: I'm sorry that our conversation hasn't been more fruitful, Miss Pagett. 337 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:13,240 I've a little work to do, so I'll leave you with Mr Ropey here for a while. 338 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,480 I'm sure we'll speak again soon. 339 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,400 Come on, love, spit it out. 340 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,000 Where is Judge Lobbett? 341 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,640 We're sure you know. 342 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,320 I don't want to play noughts and crosses on your pretty face. 343 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,720 I don't know. 344 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,360 I've told you. I swear, I don't know. 345 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:56,240 (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING ON GRAMOPHONE) 346 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,160 (MUFFLED STRUGGLES ABOVE) 347 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,400 Ugh! 348 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,760 (GRUNTING IN DISTANCE) 349 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,000 -Emergency? -(CRASHING) 350 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,720 Fire. Number 32 Beverly Gardens, Notting Hill Gate. 351 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,560 It's well ablaze. Could you send someone round to see it? 352 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,240 Thank you. And the police too, of course. 353 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,320 (GRUNTING) 354 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:16,920 CAMPION: Fire! Fire! Fire! Help! Fire! Police! 355 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,640 Fire! Fire! 356 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,200 Get Biddy out quickly. The way we came. 357 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:42,080 This way, this way. Trust uncle. Return tickets, please. 358 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:44,320 Come on. 359 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,200 (COUGHING) 360 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:21,120 (AMBULANCE BELL RINGING) 361 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:31,880 (MAN COUGHING) 362 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,320 Good night, Mr Datchett. 363 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:55,640 (DOOR OPENS) 364 00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:59,880 Oh, my God! Darling, are you badly cut? 365 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:02,240 Uh, a few stitches. Lugg knew a jolly good doctor. 366 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,560 Good? Doc Rafton's a marvel. 367 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,880 You'd be walking around in four separate bits, if it wasn't for him. 368 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:12,840 Now it's all over I think I'm going to cry. 369 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,880 Now, now, don't cry. Here, have a big swig of this. 370 00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,360 -Thank you. -And imagine we're a Sunday newspaper. 371 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,440 Spare us nothing, not one single gruesome detail. 372 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:23,400 Well, there's not much to tell really. 373 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,440 When I came to, I was in that house with those awful men, 374 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,480 That nasty little creep of a fortune teller seemed to be the boss. 375 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:31,520 Well, he won't trouble us for some time. 376 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,600 They aren't the lot that kidnapped your father. 377 00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:38,120 And they seemed quite sure I knew where he was. 378 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:39,720 But how could you? 379 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,840 It's 'cause of my writing the label, that address for old George. 380 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,080 They thought I had the Judge's clothes. 381 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:48,640 George couldn't possibly have had the clothes. It's ridiculous. 382 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,360 You do realise, don't you? This is a death game. 383 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,440 That was quite clear. 384 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,080 In the end, either their leader, 385 00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,120 whom I didn't see, or Mr Lobbett, 386 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,080 is bound to die. 387 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,000 I've known it all along. 388 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,560 Right. Duff's up! 389 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,760 I'm afraid the British burger is not a gastronomic success. 390 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:14,880 What is it? 391 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,440 -Herrings and tomato sauce. -Mmm, delicious. 392 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,120 Bloaters in blood. 393 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:22,360 Good for the brain. I nipped out and got the first edition. 394 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,520 We don't get much of a mention. 395 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,240 "Mysterious outbreak, arson suspected. 396 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,960 "Several men removed from the house in unconscious condition, 397 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,640 "helping police with their enquiries." 398 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:35,800 LUGG: I could have done better me self. 399 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,440 Hey, that looks like Dad. 400 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:43,240 "Giant Diplodocus found in Suffolk. 401 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:45,720 "The well-known amateur archaeologist, 402 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,400 "the Reverend Alaric Watts of Reading Knights." 403 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,000 -Reading Knights? -It looks damnably like him... 404 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:53,040 It is Dad. It must be. 405 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:58,080 It is, of all the utterly, improbable and wretched pieces of bad luck. 406 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,080 It is your father, I put him there. 407 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,360 -You? -Mea Culpa. 408 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:08,240 Well, me and your father, not forgetting George, a good old fashioned put up job. 409 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,840 -But if you... -Things were getting too hot. 410 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,960 They pinked us the first evening when Datchett turned up. 411 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,320 Then poor old Swithin pointed the way. 412 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:23,360 With this. Reading Knights were safe with Alaric Watts. 413 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,280 But he disappeared in front of us. 414 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,000 Mystery Mile magic, into the maze down the ditch, 415 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:30,160 change into rougher clothes in the hut in the beach. 416 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:34,120 Henry George's brother waiting in a boat, Reverend Watts waiting down the coast. 417 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,440 George was told to destroy the clothes. 418 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,200 But George said "waste not, want not", 419 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,200 and posted them all to his son-in-law. 420 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:45,320 And Mr Kettle intercepted the parcel which caused no end of bother. 421 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:48,240 Look, they are bound to get word of this, so speed is of the essence. 422 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,760 I guess we've got a few hours' start. 423 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,360 You're all going to stay here under Lugg's avuncular wing, while I return to Suffolk. 424 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,480 I'm not. 425 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,680 You are. You haven't even got a wing. 426 00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:59,600 I'm coming with you. 427 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,840 Yes, all right, Giles. 428 00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:23,520 No, you stay here, Giles. Keep an eye out. 429 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:25,600 Anything suspicious. 430 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,640 I'm not sure. I really am not quite sure. 431 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,880 I would say that it had never been used. What do you think? 432 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:42,560 Campion? 433 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,520 No panic, your family's all right in London. 434 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,760 I've got Giles with me. 435 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,360 What's wrong? 436 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:49,680 This. 437 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:59,680 "Our special photographer with a long distance camera manages to get a picture, 438 00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,480 "archaeologist at work." 439 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:05,920 Disgusting newspaper people, spying on us. No privacy left. 440 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,840 Anyway, it's an Ichthyosaurus, not a Diplodocus. 441 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:12,320 They won't spell their own names right next. 442 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,600 Will you excuse me? I really must warn the museum. 443 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:21,080 Such a darn fine portrait of yourself, that's the trouble. 444 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:22,440 Yeah. 445 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:26,280 As we say, my cover's blown, blown sky high. 446 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,000 Even higher. 447 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,480 Yes, and this messes up your whole plan, Campion, I'm sorry. 448 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,640 I've been a fool. Look at it. 449 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:38,960 You must drop this whole thing. 450 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,240 You know this just might be our chance to bring the big fish himself to the surface. 451 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:43,680 No, I don't see that. 452 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,880 We had a little bit of a shindig in London. 453 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,000 A schlimazel with some of Simister's people. 454 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,080 It gives us the blessed possibility that the big bezesus himself 455 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,400 will turn up and make a personal affair of it. 456 00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:58,840 What's your idea? 457 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,800 I want you to come back to Mystery Mile with me. 458 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,120 It's our home ground, so to speak. 459 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,920 They'll have to attack us. 460 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:10,280 Either we get them or they get us. 461 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:14,840 Any development will be pretty speedy, certainly sensational and probably final. 462 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:19,240 What do you say? 463 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:22,560 You're on. 464 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:32,960 CAMPION: Should be someone here on guard. 465 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:42,080 Henry! 466 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,680 -Always did drink a bit. -It's not drink. 467 00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,840 If the coast is clear I'll give you a signal. In the meantime, wait here. 468 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,440 Campion, I think I better come clean with you. 469 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,080 -Later. -No! Now. 470 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:16,040 Just in case. 471 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,800 After I retired, I worked on a state prison commission. 472 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:29,160 One day I was called in to interview a man named Colson. 473 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:32,640 He was serving a big sentence on a dope smuggling rap. 474 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,040 He was a Simister man. 475 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,080 He was dying of cancer. 476 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,840 I got him out so he could spend his last few days with wife and family, 477 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:43,760 and in gratitude he gave me a clue to who Simister was. 478 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:45,200 He'd never seen the man himself. 479 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:46,360 What was the clue? 480 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,920 This little fairy tale book. 481 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,920 I remember old Sindbad. 482 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,320 Comfort me with apples. 483 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,760 I think your dying crook was having you on, Judge. 484 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,000 Oh, I don't think so. 485 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:06,680 I read this damn nonsensical little book through 20 times and I cannot find the clue. 486 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:10,680 But it's in there some place, now I'm sure of it. 487 00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:12,960 Well, this is not quite the time for a literary discussion. 488 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,800 Keep your eyes skinned, both of you. 489 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,120 (SIGHS) 490 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,120 The universal Mr Barber. 491 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:32,720 It's only me from over the sea. 492 00:38:35,560 --> 00:38:37,320 They've beaten us to it, chums. 493 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,000 Barber and Mrs Weibrow are both drugged in the house. 494 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,320 -What? -We're in a trap. 495 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,200 We've gone and put our little necks into it like bunnies in a snare. 496 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:46,480 Back in the car? 497 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,680 Hopeless. That's their bright idea, I fancy. 498 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:52,480 We'll have to try the Lobbett way. 499 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,760 I told George to leave a boat on the mooring all the time. Come on. 500 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:39,960 -Come on, Albert. -Off you go. 501 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,240 I'm not coming. 502 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:42,880 Don't be an idiot. Come on! 503 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:44,640 Look, boy, you cannot do this. 504 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:49,440 Pull away, Giles! That's an order. Or you'll have us all murdered. 505 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,240 It's no good arguing with him, Judge. 506 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,120 "Kiss me, Hardy." 507 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:05,000 Tell Lugg to lay me out proper and put pennies on me eyes. 508 00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,800 "So that all his life he might have reason 509 00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:30,600 "to remember the adventures of Sindbad the sailor." 510 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,120 (SIGHS) 511 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:45,080 "In a certain town in Persia there lived once upon a time two brothers. 512 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,040 "Their names were Cassim and Ali Baba." 513 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,400 I've gone mad. 514 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:07,520 Good evening, Mr Barber. 515 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,200 Or do you prefer Mr Simister? 516 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,240 You are alone. 517 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,480 Judge Lobbett sends his apologies. 518 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,440 He was called away on urgent business. 519 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,480 I am not interested in that gentleman. 520 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,880 I shall have no difficulty in picking him up whenever I wish. 521 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:35,880 At this moment, my chief interest is in you. 522 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,480 You are a very clever man, my friend. 523 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,520 Very clever. 524 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,920 I have here a most interesting dossier. 525 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:48,160 I assure you it contains some very remarkable reading. 526 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,200 You and I have both made the same mistake. 527 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,040 We underestimated each other. 528 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,280 Please sit down, make yourself comfortable. 529 00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:03,080 Try the soap box. 530 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:04,800 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 531 00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:07,800 I have come to admire you, Mr Campion. 532 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,600 So much so that it may interest you to know 533 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:16,400 that I now consider it worthwhile to offer you a position in my organisation. 534 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:20,640 Sign along the dotted line. 535 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,960 Please tear carefully, nothing genuine without this signature. 536 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,040 (LAUGHING) 537 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:30,480 Always you like a little joke, eh, Mr Campion? 538 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:33,560 I suppose I should live in. All found. 539 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:35,920 Washing done by the firm. 540 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,320 Perhaps a Circassian slave or two thrown in when times are good. 541 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:42,680 You would be well advised to take my offer seriously, young man. 542 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:46,000 The alternative hardly bears thinking about. 543 00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:50,040 No, Mr Simister. No little Albert on the staff. 544 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:51,880 Foolish! 545 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:56,120 I must say you've got some cheek. 546 00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:59,640 I mean here you are chucking your weight about in the middle of a marsh, 547 00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:02,360 miles away from home, and mother. 548 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:06,920 Suppose I bang you on the head and go away and say no more about it? 549 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:11,160 I don't think you'll do that, I've studied your record closely. 550 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,000 I think a body would be very difficult to explain. 551 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:17,720 Your friends at Scotland Yard would not like it. 552 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:21,400 I'd very much liked to know, as one of us is going to cop it shortly, 553 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:24,120 how you've managed to keep so quiet about yourself all this time. 554 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:26,520 Ahh! 555 00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:30,320 I am glad this opportunity has occurred. 556 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:34,920 The desire to confide is very strong in a man of my temperament. 557 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:40,880 I have never before found myself in a position where it was quite safe 558 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,440 to indulge in that desire. 559 00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:44,760 (THUNDER CRACKING) 560 00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:49,760 I am the only man in the world 561 00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:52,920 who has ever turned my particular business 562 00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:59,000 into something as pleasurable as other more legitimate concerns. 563 00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:02,160 I go where I like, live as I choose. 564 00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:06,000 I have many friends in high places. I am universally respected. 565 00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:11,680 If I made my money out of oil or motor cars, it would be exactly the same. 566 00:44:11,720 --> 00:44:14,440 You buy the brains on one side and the executive power on the other. 567 00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:16,760 Exactly. 568 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:21,160 It is a pity I should have to kill you, my friend. I find you intelligent. 569 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:22,320 Ah! 570 00:44:23,520 --> 00:44:28,120 The secret of my success is simple. 571 00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:31,560 My father was the original Simister. 572 00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:35,720 Good Lord, you inherited it? 573 00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,600 Why not? 574 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:42,600 As I have been remarkably frank with you, Mr Campion, 575 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:48,000 perhaps, before we part, you could be frank with me. 576 00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,560 How did you stumble upon my true identity? 577 00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:56,120 The clue was in a copy of a children's book. 578 00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:57,880 Completely harmless in itself, 579 00:44:57,920 --> 00:45:01,520 and utterly unintelligible to anyone who did not already suspect you. 580 00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:03,720 The book is in my pocket now. 581 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,640 -May I have it? -No. 582 00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,360 Please? 583 00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,920 I'm inclined to dot you one. 584 00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:14,120 I'm younger than you are, and probably more gifted when it comes to biffing. 585 00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:16,520 But you are not so well armed. 586 00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:19,240 Let me explain. 587 00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:23,200 I read in your dossier that you sometimes carry a child's water pistol 588 00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:25,600 which looks like a real revolver. 589 00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,720 I confess I was amused when I read that. 590 00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:34,280 So amused I thought I too would have my little joke. 591 00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:38,400 My pistol contains a particularly corrosive fluid. 592 00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:43,600 So you planned this little conversatione? 593 00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:45,680 Most carefully. 594 00:45:56,720 --> 00:45:58,400 Page one, I think. 595 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,440 Ah, I had forgotten. 596 00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:12,360 Do you always do your murders like this? 597 00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:15,600 Me? Ho, ho, ho! Never before. 598 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,320 It was only because Judge Lobbett was foolish enough 599 00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:23,080 to write for an art expert that I decided to act personally. 600 00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:28,960 I am enjoying myself immensely, such a delightful conversatione. 601 00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:34,000 What a pity it should have to close. 602 00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:37,000 Don't think me crude, but, um... 603 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:39,120 The body question is still a worry. 604 00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,680 Your body? Not to me. 605 00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:44,960 You may have noted my people have drugged the servants. 606 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,840 I shall return to where you found me, 607 00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,600 drug myself properly this time. 608 00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:56,440 Your friends will find the amiable Mr Barber, the art expert. 609 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,800 My alibi will be perfect. 610 00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:03,360 And I shall have a beautiful Romney as a memento of my visit. 611 00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:07,400 As a last favour, will you have my epitaph put on my grave stone? 612 00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:09,920 If it's short. 613 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:11,800 Oh, yes. No text just this... 614 00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:14,040 Neatly inscribed. 615 00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,400 Here lie I, poor Albert Campion. 616 00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:19,960 Death was bad... 617 00:47:20,720 --> 00:47:22,760 But life was... 618 00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:26,080 (SPRAYING) Aah! 619 00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,600 Here is your epitaph for you. 620 00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:41,760 (GROANING) 621 00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:08,080 Campion! Help me! 622 00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:14,680 Campion! Hurry! 623 00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:18,200 Campion, I'll give you anything in the world. Campion! 624 00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:20,600 Campion! 625 00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:22,600 (SCREAMING) 626 00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:31,520 (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) 627 00:48:42,720 --> 00:48:44,800 (APPLAUDING) 628 00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,880 -(MAN LAUGHING) -Oh. 629 00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:27,720 CAMPION: That's the only mystery left. 630 00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:31,320 Why did that dear old man take his own life? 631 00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:35,600 -Perhaps we shall never know. -I can tell you why. 632 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:39,480 I'm sure he won't mind you knowing, now it's all over. 633 00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:42,960 Swithin wasn't a parson at all. 634 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,000 Someone's been pulling your leg. 635 00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:49,880 Swithin had a brother, a year or two older, but much alike. 636 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:52,840 Both orphans and poor. 637 00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:55,520 Swithin's brother became a priest. 638 00:49:55,560 --> 00:50:00,280 But there wasn't enough money there for Swithin to take the necessary varsity degree. 639 00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:03,880 One summer they were rock climbing together in Austria. 640 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:05,640 There was an accident, 641 00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:07,760 and the brother was killed. 642 00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:12,520 In spite of the shock and the grief he kept his head and swapped roles. 643 00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:16,200 The right man was buried under the wrong name. 644 00:50:16,240 --> 00:50:18,600 And Swithin took the curacy. 645 00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:22,280 An impersonation story 50 years old. Good Lord. 646 00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:25,160 Last year he wrote to me telling me all about it. 647 00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,920 I suppose he wanted to confess to someone in writing. 648 00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:35,240 Unfortunately, that nasty man who kept the post office... 649 00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:37,240 Kettle. 650 00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:40,800 He must have read the letter and passed on the glad news to the gang. 651 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,360 Blackmail, of course. 652 00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:48,960 They tried to make him work for them, but he wasn't having any. 653 00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:52,480 As perfect a parson as ever lived, and a damned old fool at the same time. 654 00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:54,880 God bless him. 655 00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:01,640 Lugg, suppose I retire? This profession of mine puts people off. 656 00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:03,320 You've had a relapse, better get you home. 657 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,320 No, I'm serious. 658 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,320 That's unhealthy in itself. Look. 659 00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:12,080 If you must have a woman about the place, 660 00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:16,400 find a nice sensible, homely, hospital nurse. 661 00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,760 Someone who'll do the washing up. 662 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:20,480 (LAUGHS) 663 00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:25,480 But we don't want that, do we? Wouldn't be the article, would it? 664 00:51:25,520 --> 00:51:28,120 Push away, Lugg, or we'll miss our piece of wedding cake. 665 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:47,640 (ENGINE STARTING)